I Would Have Despaired…But…

I am surveying a land that was painted completely differently when it was first offered to me.

I feel like I am in a cold desert. Bereft of so much, I am having to rely on the Lord as I never have before.

I feel the typical waning confidence of getting steeped in new responsibilities. But in addition, I am facing a trial that I didn’t expect, and my heart longs for wisdom and forbearance in the midst of it.

I feel akin to David as he prays in Psalm 27: “When You said, ‘Seek my face,’ my heart said to You, ‘Your face, O Lord, I will seek.’ Do not hide Your face from me…”

I take comfort in how he responded to the advancing of his enemies: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes wait for the Lord.”

I have been honest with the Lord, and he knows that I am tempted to run. But with his help, I am waiting, learning how to wait, and praying that I do so with humility, gratitude and faithfulness.

That’s all. Thanks for letting me share.

Next time I promise to tell you about some funny things and some blessed things, like my new old car named Betty White and dewy mornings  on cliffs looking over the Pacific…

Until next time…

 

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plenty to do and no place to go

what a perfect day. to be on the patio of a quaint restaurant with friends. to go on a drive to the beach or the park.

but, sad as it may sound, neither friends nor car do i have here on this incredibly warm and sunny day. splayed out before me are textbooks and lesson plans, and also a bowl of fruit that is a permanent resident of this kitchen table.

all is quiet. my shoulders are sore from a combination of sitting for long hours and walking half a mile with two large bags of groceries slung over my shoulders. i feel antsy and want to get out – but where? a coffee shop where i can perhaps do more sitting and planning…a mall where i can listen to the lives of strangers…

don’t let me sound so pathetic. i am in the process of procuring a vehicle. then i will get to know this town and these people. it’s only been a month, and considering all i have to do, i imagine that it is good that i don’t have a car or friends to distract me.

and this is nice. i have some instrumental music going that my roommate recommended, and the windows are open to let in warm breezes. i am getting stuff done, and that always feels good.

tonight i am making fish tacos with mango salsa. if you are hungry, stop by. i am only a 2 hour plane ride away…

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IT’S MY CARDIGAN AND I WANT IT NOW!!!

Gooood Morning San Francisco!!!!

I have changed so much about my life in a little less than a month, but I remain the same non-sleeping person after the 3 am hour. It’s just as well since I have so much to do.

Not that anyone besides friends and family (and maybe not even them) will read this, but just in case, the story is this:

I left my Seattle home and moved to San Francisco about a month ago, having no idea I would be doing this a month and one week ago. If you can do the math, this = me tearing through my belongings like the tazmanian devil to ensure I would have at least the basics for my arrival here. It also = me + heart-wrenching and hasty goodbyes.

SO I made it here. On the second night I was rifling through my suitcases for a sweater that I wear a lot, and I could not find it. Under normal circumstances this is just a hassle. However, I was not feeling normal. I was staying in a stranger’s house. I had no getaway car. I had started a new job that day and felt the heavy weight of all my new responsibilities.

I panicked and checked my suitcases and all the pockets again – maybe it was there and I just hadn’t seen it. But it was not.  Fatalistic at this point, I mourned the loss of my navy cardigan. I cried and I called my friends and family to talk about it.

I am coming across as a tad crazy. But I think you get it. Cardigan = familiarity. No cardigan = everything I have known leaving me cold and alone in a new place. My best friend gave me some encouraging and challenging words: “You told God you would go. Now he is asking, ‘will you stay?'”

I am flying back to Seattle tomorrow.

Just kidding.

People are strange when you’re a stranger, but I am not as much of a stranger as I was a month ago. Now I not only know people; I know friends. They have gone out of their way to welcome me, take me to the grocery store, move my bed , pray for me and encourage me.

I am feeling so incredibly blessed right now I can’t even tell you (but I guess I just did!). I am in an amazing city that I get to explore. I have a home and a great roommate. I have a job teaching kids about all the stuff they have to learn + I get to talk to them about Jesus! I have a God who put me here for such a time as this.

and…

I have a navy cardigan that arrived in the mail yesterday.

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